Turning Should Be To Reality

Welcome to the next step in your Embark journey. All journeys start somewhere and for this one, it’s knowing who you are*, your True You. It’s now time to venture into who you should be. Time to grow your True You.
Like all could be’s, should be’s live in the land of possibility, a far-away exotic destination only ventured into on purpose, with determination and a plan. So now that we’ve made our plans & packed our bags, let’s go!

*Haven’t done the Personality Questionnaire? No problems. Just back track to “The Personality Test?”.
Go on. We’ll still be here and ready to go when you’re done.

Start With The End In Mind

If you don’t know what you’re after, you won’t know how to go after it.
And since the pinnacle of relationship is natural marriage, let’s have a think about what’s needed for it.


Here are some fundamentals about marriage...

"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife,and the two shall be one flesh.' So then they are no more two, but one flesh."
Jesus as recorded in Mark 10:8

Notice it is two becoming one not two halves becoming one.

Here’s a stark truth - a relationship is only as healthy as the unhealthiest individual in it.

As a single, you’re perfectly placed to fully focus on becoming the healthiest, whole, unique individual you were made to be.
It’s the perfect time to perfect yourself.

Genuinely attractive people are whole in themselves with God

Why? That’s because...

  • They are calm and assured without being aloof or arrogant. They are confident enough to stand back and listen without being the centre of attention and are therefore better conversationalists.
    After all, no one enjoys talking to someone who talks about himself all the time.
  • They respect their bodies by clothing it well and taking care of it with good habits like balanced diets and exercise while avoiding bad habits like substance abuse and sex outside of natural marriage.
    Your body is exactly that - your body. While you’re temporarily in it during your time on earth, it's not like an apartment you're renting for one or two years. It is your home, the home, while you are down here. Do respect, care for and renovate it.
  • They are aware of their unique authentic self which isn't defined by externals like their job or titles. This keeps them cool in stressful situations as they know who they are and don't allow external events dictate how they see themselves. They are authentic to themselves and don't expect others to be otherwise.
    They have won by believing God's truth about them, so they get their self-worth from God, not others. This gives them a peace which frees them to share honest and genuine discussions without feeling they need to prove their worth.
  • They are whole and they help others to be. They can compare themselves to others and celebrate their strengths without forgetting their own. They call forward strengths in others, not their limitations.
    No one likes being around someone who puts others down to make themselves look better. Conversely, everyone likes someone who helps them shine. That’s attractive.

Self-preservation is the first law of life, but self-abnegation is the first law of greatness—and of art.

Dale Carnegie.

Self abnegation is the ability to deny yourself.
Self preservation is standard stuff. Anyone can do that. One who can deny their more basic needs and impulses in the pursuit of higher principles and in the pursuit of lifting others up - that’s special. That’s unique. That’s worthy of attention. That’s attractive.

The great draw attention and drawing attention is a step in being attractive.

Be Whole

Everyone wants a relationship, not a liability.
No one’s perfect that’s for sure. But this is also for sure - relationships haven't been designed to be all about you and what you need and what your mate can do for you.
If you are entering the relationship with a needy attitude trying to get away from the single life, you are just going to exhaust your mate and ultimately your relationship.
Not attractive.
And not True Love.

Attraction Has A Pattern

The trick is to start with yourself first. Once you have that right, you can have that happen with others.
It’s as simple as doing to yourself, what you would naturally do with the object of your affection.

Here’s the practical things you should do:

  • Fascination: When you're interested in someone, you are fascinated with their life. You are interested in what they've done and what they are getting up to. You share in their interests.
    How about you? Don’t just go through the motions, show some interest in what you are doing.
    “Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” - Benjamin Franklin
  • Recall and create a rich personal history full of all the stories and anecdoates you wouldn't mind sharing with others because you know they are fascinating.
  • Get active in your social and family functions so you know all about the people who are most closely connected to you.
  • Get engaged at your work and with your co-workers because your love interest (you) spends a lot of time there.
    Interested people are interesting people.
    The world is too fascinating and 3 dimensional for you to be 1 dimensional. Be well read. Travel. Experience life. Get out there. Marvel at what God has made and is continuing to make.
  • Be best friends with yourself. Don't focus on the things you don't like about yourself, rather look at the things that keep your friends coming back for more.
    It may be your laughter, compassionate ear, sound advice etc. Be clear about what draws people and spend time recognising and remembering that. Be an expert at presenting this.
  • Have eyes only for you because when you're in love, you don't look around at and linger on alternatives. So don't spend your energies comparing yourself to others, spend it on connecting to the things which make you special.

Now let's have a look at an important part of your True You…

..ok, some silly stereotypes.
Laughs aside, let's look at it a little more formally...

Gender Matters

A crucial part of your True You is your gender. Gender makes a difference. If it didn’t make a difference there would be no difference...but it does and that’s why we have men and women.

Men and women share much in common but there are crucial differences. Our physical differences are obvious but there are also important differences in the way we think, our attitudes and our roles. This is no surprise given that men and women are generally designed with different ends in mind.

Let’s be clear on that last point. Like personalities, different merely means different. It does not mean one is better than the other. Not at all. We are all made in the image of God and are equally precious.




So the differences we'll point out should in fact be celebrated not suppressed like they're problems. Far from being problems they are gifts. It’s the differences between men and women that are exactly what’s needed for them to fulfill the different roles which God has for them in the teamwork that is marriage.

And it is teamwork. Each one has a different job and one job isn’t better than another because in a team, there are no winning or losing individuals, only winning or losing teams.

So let's recognise and celebrate these differences and importantly, rise to the challenge they present each of us.
Hint: don’t just look at the challenges which apply to you. Know about the ones which apply to the other gender so you can tell if a person you’re interested in is rising to their challenge.

Yup, gender matters so let's talk about it, starting with the men play