Now, let’s look over some Red Lights or Deal Breakers. Again, they are behaviours or characteristics which stop everything in their tracks. They are the “No go’s” with regards to the suitability of someone for you.

Red Lights are Deal Breakers because of the Standards upon which these are built. Like Red Traffic lights, they aren’t just there to make your morning commute a pain in the posterior. They aren’t just standards for the sake of having standards, they are practical ways of preventing disaster.

You can protest against the law of gravity or even question its relevance all you want, but arguing about it while you’re in free fall from stepping off the cliff won’t help your case.

It is impossible for us to break the law. We can only break ourselves against the law.

Cecile B. deMille

One of these types is the Pretender, a person who shows signs of only being in it for the "buzz" of romance. Such a person rapidly moves from one relationship to another.

If they say, "I'm not technically, legally single but we've been separated a long time" - watch out.

Same too with regards to the Depender, someone who doesn’t see the relationship as a chance to grow. They're in it to find someone to "mommy them" emotionally and/or financially. Signs of this is someone who always lets you pay for dinner all the time and asks for loans. You want a spouse, not a blood sucking louse.

Related to this is the Overly jealous, controlling type. They are the ones that declare that they "can't live without you" after just 2 dates or seek to micromanage every aspect of your life. Your alarm bells show be ringing loud and clear here.

And of course, you don’t want someone who Isn't there in time of crisis. You want a spouse, not a so called “fair weather friend”.

This sounds rather technical. No, it isn’t about avoiding world wars but it is about avoiding personal ones. Poor anger or stress management is a Red Light, another deal breaker. What’s their skills in Conflict Management?

If someone is bad tempered, lacking self control and always looking for a fight avoid them. Otherwise, you’re asking for a world of hurt when you live with someone like that. Don’t make your life harder than it has to be.

A good way of remembering this is “You may know how to have a good time but do you know how to have a bad time? “

What comes out when they are squeezed?

Real character comes out under adversity. How do they handle it when something goes badly? This gives you a clue as to whether this is someone who you want around when life bumps you around. What are they like when they are in a bad mood?

Watch carefully their behaviour when pierced by the injustices of life. This will give you an insight into how they resolve conflicts. Of course, take this as an opportunity to consider how you resolve conflicts.

Anger is natural but how they handle it is important.

Anger is never buried dead, it is always buried alive so suppression isn't the answer either - controlled expression is.

You will have disagreements. If not, one of you is redundant. The key is to disagree agreeably and that takes knowledge, thought, grace and training to be Godly in a disagreement. Some things are just not worth fighting over. Sometimes, the best outcome is to agree to disagree. Be wise enough to pick your battles. Is the the person your are interested in all that or at least heading down the road to be?

Can you both be depended upon to live in peace? Does the person you’re interested in see every disagreement as a fight where there always has to be a winner & a loser or as a conflict to be peacefully resolved?

The first attitude will condemn you both to a life of perpetual struggle.

The second attitude, develops a relaxed security which blooms your relationship. That’s because if handled right, disagreements don't need to escalate into fights. In fact, they are actually opportunities to really reveal yourselves to each other and hence either deepen your relationship or pull you apart if you don't know how to handle them.

Do they and do you strive to collaborate or conflict? Put it another way…

“If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Romans 12:18

Along these lines, be on the look out for displays of persistently immature reactions to not getting their own way. This is another deal breaker.

Let’s face it, no one gets their own way all the time - not even God. So, why wed yourself to someone who will consistently spit their dummy when life inevitably does what life does?

It’s true, we all have moments like that but if it is the norm for that person, you don’t want to have that introduced into your life as the norm. However, if it is the norm in your life, better check yourself on that.

Grace is a gift required for forgiveness. Is there evidence that the person can forgive? I’m not talking about someone who ignores wrong because they do not have the courage to confront it. I’m talking about someone who can truly forgive.

A hardened person who cannot forgive is a Red Light because if they cannot forgive, they cannot forgive you. You’re human, you’re not perfect, you will inevitably make mistakes - do you want to be with someone who cannot help you get over that?

Watch out for addictions to things like alcohol, drugs, gambling etc. These are reflective of someone who doesn't know how to constructively cope with the stresses in life. Don't let them burden you with their bad habits. Stay away.

Someone who is arrogant gets a Red Light. That’s because they lack the wisdom and humility to qualify for the job. Watch out that that isn’t something you need to work on too.

See if they are sensitive and proactive in what God would have them be and do. This is important as this is a key attitude which will help them fulfill their God-given potential. They need to if they are to have a part in helping you fulfill your’s.

Watch for signs of disrespect. They are markers of an arrogant person. Someone who doesn’t value your opinions or feelings or doesn’t treat you with dignity disqualifies him or herself.

This is obvious, but how many of us excuse such behaviour? It can be as subtle as consistently not introducing you to others when out with him or her through to as obvious as only acknowledging you when they want something from you. If it is a persistent pattern, respect yourself by moving on.

Now onto the Amber and Green Light points on your list.

Amber Light Points are negotiable. In other words, since there aren’t any non-negotiable standards on these points, if you do feel strongly about any of these, feel free to shift it into the Green Light position - it is your list.

Your new relationship is built on the foundations of your old relationships..specifically, the foundations of your old family relationships. So, family of origin contributes much to the Amber and Green Lights on your list.

Here’s the key question in understanding this: How does your family and your potential spouses’ family handle the 4C’s? Conflicts, Cash, Career, Children.

Amongst other things, these are some of the big decisions that you will have to make in life. You know they are coming, so you may as well know what you think about it and whether the person you are interested in thinks about it in a compatible manner.

They say that money makes the world go around but it might be more accurate to say that money often makes the world break down. This is a potentially dynamite source of conflict.

What’s the history in their family with regards to that? Is there a lot of bickering and even divisions and alienation of family members over money? If there is, here’s a red flag and you need to understand the who, what, where and when’s of the matters. That of course applies to you and your family as well.

What’s your potential partner’s personal attitude to money? What’s their spending or saving style? What do they spend their money on and how do they do it?

There is a world of difference between a person who at the drop of a hat puts anything which catches his or her eye on a credit card and a person who takes days to research which is the best item for what they want and best deal for it. Know your style, know their style and think about whether you can live with each other even just on this one issue.

Love does cover a multitude of sins but why add complexity where it isn’t required? Money problems are one of the more common and major relationship problems.

Obviously there is an inherent conflict if you have different spending and saving styles but as I discussed before, disagreements don’t have to lead to fights. If you are to be together, you need to negotiate how to handle money together.

It’s that simple. Not necessarily easy but, that simple.

However, don’t ignore the fact that there are also problems if you have the same spending or saving style. That’s because if you’re both quick spenders, money stress will be a major uninvited, constant problem for you. If you’re both obsessively watching the money like the only place it belongs in is a bank account, you might be in for some pretty miserable living too.

Since we spend so much time, emotion and energy on this, take time to prayerfully realise where your career paths are leading you.

Really do take the time to think and research it. This might sound a little overboard, but really do actually formally research it.

Many people think of their careers in terms of what their passions are, the training they need to go through and the living they will make from it. There is however so much more in considering your career than that given how much it does and will demand of you and your potential spouse.

Remember, it is a part of your life not all of your life. If it is all of your life, you really do not have room for a partner. That’s just the plain facts of the matter. Consider carefully if that caution is one that applies to yourself or the person you are considering...if so, reconsider if this is the right time in your life to be plunging into a deep relationship.

You must consider what the career will demand of you or prospective partner. If all your mental, emotional and physical energy is spent at work, there isn't going to be any available to spend outside of work, especially on your relationships.

Sure, there are chapters in your lives where such demands may be required but if it is a chronic, ongoing expectation, you have to ask if you or they are qualified to occupy the special position of a spouse since you or they have effectively chosen their career to occupy that position.

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Another worthy but sometimes neglected consideration. For some, this is easy enough to figure out since it may naturally come up in conversation. For others, I realise it may be rather hard to bring up.

Still, you can get a clue from seeing how your potential spouse interacts with the kids in your lives, either nieces or nephews at your family do’s or friend’s kids at social functions.

Do they want kids? When do they want kids? This of course is related to the other points of cash and career.

Take time to realise the thoughts you both have on this topic and see if you are compatible as this can be another significant point of conflict

Where to now?